By Gideon Mutai
There are many people out there who wanna die BUT…they don’t want to kill themselves. I am not an exception. Google the phrase “I want to die” and you will have thousands of results.
From reddit.com, discussion on depression, one wrote thus
“…I just want to die a death that I did not directly cause. Something like a car crash or an unfortunate construction accident, a freak flu that causes people to drop dead. I repeat just to emphasize, I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to die.”
So many of us have suicidal thoughts at one point in life. It is normal because you are human. The men in the Bible who were close to God also had suicidal tendencies, look at Elijah.
1 Kings 19: 4 “…It is enough now, O Lord, take away my life…” Hey, I am not preaching, I was just showing you how common suicidal tendencies. Death is no respecter of persons. If you live in the upper crust or wallow in abject penury, you are not exempted.
What are the triggers therefore?
We all love living a blissful life, an ideal environment with ideal kind of people relating well with them. We want to have what we desire promptly. Sometimes our working conditions are not favourable. When we fail in exams we feel bad or terrible. When we lose our beloved ones or we lose our jobs. When everyone is talking negatively about us or when we did something we regret doing or will make the “public” change our perceptions towards us.
The bottom line is, we want to feel good. Anything that disrupts that balance however little it is will be taking us slowly to the other extreme.
Many have tried defining what life is, whatever your understanding thereof, you can affix meaning to it or detach, it will still remain LIFE.
Please share in the comments section your experience or what you did to combat the suicidal thoughts. You never know, it might change a life, you might save a soul.
Back to the leading sentence, I want to die but I don’t want to kill myself. Felicia (pseudonym) is a victim of suicidal tendencies. Her parents rejected her after conceiving before marriage. Her education was cut short. The boyfriend didn’t want to hear anything of her. Her friends became judgmental and started talking behind her back and acting weirdly towards her. She began job hunting. After several months, she lost hope. Her efforts were all futile. As if that is not enough, her sweet baby girl felt sick and was admitted for three weeks and treated for malnutrition but she was not able to pay the hospital bill. To avoid mention the nitty-gritty of the story, she wanted to end her life. She took poison (Rat-and-rat) but she didn’t succumb to it. Maybe she under dosed, I cannot tell. The story is indeed long…
When you want to die, please consider
What is the source of your inspiration in life?
Find something that interests you most and indulge therein. If you find consolation in nature then embrace nature walking, hikes, bird watching, sun bathing etc.
If perhaps you love music, find a book and sing along or alone to the favourite music. Attend a concert, listen to birds singing, watch them dance.
Grasp that inspirational book and read, read to the end.
Think of Someone you Love and that person who loves you
Nobody cares is a misplaced statement. At least there is one person who cares. Jesus does but that is another theology for another day. Your lover, your spouse, your best friend, your mum or dad or acquaintance can be that person who cares.
Your death will affect them adversely. They may be drawing their inspiration from you. They might be the reason why they want to live to see another bright day. You are their only hope in life.
Remember you are not alone
Several people have attempted suicide before. Some are contemplating now as you read this line. Death is not the end in itself but the beginning of the end. Share out your thoughts with someone you can confide in. Talk openly about your feelings. Cry if need be. Do anything that can release the boiling stress steam inside.
Don’t do anything foolish. Binge drinking will not abate the stress, it only makes you forget about it transiently. After the stupor is weaned off, it comes back with double interest. It is a vicious cycle. Don’t engage in promiscuity thinking it is a way out. Some resort to smoking or masturbation or gambling or even robbery. None of this will help.
Give it Time. Wait!
When you think you should end it now, buy a little time. Wait till you come back to your senses. One part of you wants to die but at the same time some part somehow wants to live. Sometimes some want to attract the attention of other people and therefore they attempt suicide hoping they will not die only to wake up and realize they are dead.
Do something that will distract you from such thoughts.
Face the awful situation
Suicide is an elusive way of doing things. When someone inflicts pain on us, we withdraw away from it. Suicide is a way of moving away from the real thing. If it is failed relationships, please try again. If it is lost opportunity, then that was not the last one. Every day is not the same. Yesterday was and will not be the same as today, neither will tomorrow be similar to today. Each day is a present and unique in its own way. It is only that your thoughts are similar, today and tomorrow that makes all days appear equal.
Face that man or that boss that is giving you stress. Face that task courageously. Circumvent around the problem.
I’ll write part 3 soon. Please remember to give your response in the comments section, your story or encouragements or thoughts.