I want to Die (Part 2)

By Gideon Mutai

There are many people out there who wanna die BUT…they don’t want to kill themselves. I am not an exception. Google the phrase “I want to die” and you will have thousands of results.

From reddit.com, discussion on depression, one wrote thus

“…I just want to die a death that I did not directly cause. Something like a car crash or an unfortunate construction accident, a freak flu that causes people to drop dead. I repeat just to emphasize, I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to die.”

I want to dieSo many of us have suicidal thoughts at one point in life. It is normal because you are human. The men in the Bible who were close to God also had suicidal tendencies, look at Elijah.

1 Kings 19: 4 “…It is enough now, O Lord, take away my life…” Hey, I am not preaching, I was just showing you how common suicidal tendencies. Death is no respecter of persons. If you live in the upper crust or wallow in abject penury, you are not exempted.

What are the triggers therefore?

We all love living a blissful life, an ideal environment with ideal kind of people relating well with them. We want to have what we desire promptly. Sometimes our working conditions are not favourable. When we fail in exams we feel bad or terrible. When we lose our beloved ones or we lose our jobs. When everyone is talking negatively about us or when we did something we regret doing or will make the “public” change our perceptions towards us.

The bottom line is, we want to feel good. Anything that disrupts that balance however little it is will be taking us slowly to the other extreme.

Many have tried defining what life is, whatever your understanding thereof, you can affix meaning to it or detach, it will still remain LIFE.

Please share in the comments section your experience or what you did to combat the suicidal thoughts. You never know, it might change a life, you might save a soul.

Back to the leading sentence, I want to die but I don’t want to kill myself. Felicia (pseudonym) is a victim of suicidal tendencies. Her parents rejected her after conceiving before marriage. Her education was cut short. The boyfriend didn’t want to hear anything of her. Her friends became judgmental and started talking behind her back and acting weirdly towards her. She began job hunting. After several months, she lost hope. Her efforts were all futile. As if that is not enough, her sweet baby girl felt sick and was admitted for three weeks and treated for malnutrition but she was not able to pay the hospital bill. To avoid mention the nitty-gritty of the story, she wanted to end her life. She took poison (Rat-and-rat) but she didn’t succumb to it. Maybe she under dosed, I cannot tell. The story is indeed long…

I want to die 2When you want to die, please consider

  1. What is the source of your inspiration in life?

Find something that interests you most and indulge therein. If you find consolation in nature then embrace nature walking, hikes, bird watching, sun bathing etc.

If perhaps you love music, find a book and sing along or alone to the favourite music. Attend a concert, listen to birds singing, watch them dance.

Grasp that inspirational book and read, read to the end.

  1. Think of Someone you Love and that person who loves you

Nobody cares is a misplaced statement. At least there is one person who cares. Jesus does but that is another theology for another day. Your lover, your spouse, your best friend, your mum or dad or acquaintance can be that person who cares.

Your death will affect them adversely. They may be drawing their inspiration from you. They might be the reason why they want to live to see another bright day. You are their only hope in life.

  1. Remember you are not alone

Several people have attempted suicide before. Some are contemplating now as you read this line. Death is not the end in itself but the beginning of the end. Share out your thoughts with someone you can confide in. Talk openly about your feelings. Cry if need be. Do anything that can release the boiling stress steam inside.


Don’t do anything foolish. Binge drinking will not abate the stress, it only makes you forget about it transiently. After the stupor is weaned off, it comes back with double interest. It is a vicious cycle. Don’t engage in promiscuity thinking it is a way out. Some resort to smoking or masturbation or gambling or even robbery. None of this will help.

  1. Give it Time. Wait!

When you think you should end it now, buy a little time. Wait till you come back to your senses. One part of you wants to die but at the same time some part somehow wants to live. Sometimes some want to attract the attention of other people and therefore they attempt suicide hoping they will not die only to wake up and realize they are dead.

Do something that will distract you from such thoughts.

  1. Face the awful situation

Suicide is an elusive way of doing things. When someone inflicts pain on us, we withdraw away from it. Suicide is a way of moving away from the real thing. If it is failed relationships, please try again. If it is lost opportunity, then that was not the last one. Every day is not the same. Yesterday was and will not be the same as today, neither will tomorrow be similar to today. Each day is a present and unique in its own way. It is only that your thoughts are similar, today and tomorrow that makes all days appear equal.

Face that man or that boss that is giving you stress. Face that task courageously. Circumvent around the problem.


I’ll write part 3 soon. Please remember to give your response in the comments section, your story or encouragements or thoughts.


Life on the Edge

By Gideon Mutai

Sound of the approaching wagon roused her
With her young daughter she went on her toes
And as fast as they could joined #team scramble
The husband was on the other end too
Working on increasing the odds for the day

First was the mouldy yeasty fermenting bread
Next was the half eaten carrot wrinkled and rotten
I am certain he doesn’t have congenital anosmia
But to the smell he has adapted
Food comes first, smell or aroma comes second
He ate the pieces ravenously before digging deeper

Mining in the huge heap of dump is their daily duty
They don’t have an excavator but hands do better job
The rate limiting factor is the stiff competition
From the increasing number of enrolling students
Oh no! It’s not even their choice
They found themselves in that school
They don’t know who mum or dad is
Let’s just say for now they were accident victims

Living from hand to mouth is the order of the year
Living one day at a time is their philosophy
Come rain, come sunshine, they still afford a smile
If they get it or they don’t they’ll still live another day
Where they sleep I cannot tell
I guess they only need where to put their heads
You are talking of shoes? That is luxury
Some even don’t have legs so what’s the need?
Latest phone you mentioned? That’s a different world
They can live without them

I don’t know if they get sick
And if they do, very few of them are taken to the hospital
The doctor in the biodata will write, “Street family”
And social worker will work to waive their bill
Keeping them in hospital is even advantageous
They will never pay after all
And they will be assured of better meals and sleep
They don’t mind going back to the streets after discharge
Where else would you want them to go?

I live like a king, not on the edge, not from hand to mouth
But I will still complain, cry, whine, wail, mourn
Because I was not bought for the latest dress in fashion
I also don’t have the latest classic phone
I crave for that latest sports car, Vitz is a mockery
I am sleeping on a small 4 by 6 bed with just a duvet
With a small 21 inch TV; I desire a larger screen
So as to watch the latest movies from Hollywood
Following all series and premier leagues

In prison, someone remorseful is suffering
Longing for the day they will be free
But I use my time discussing how people are wicked
And how they should be locked up forever
Little do I remember I was also a prisoner of sin
I don’t even feel the freedom that I have
In any case I am still a prisoner
Technology has made me a slave
Diligently and always apportioning my time to it
Thinking that it has made life for me easier

Nature is weeping because of my actions
She has warned severally of what she is capable of
Soon her patience will run out and she’ll turn against me
Global warming, landslides, bad air and what have you
Is her anger towards man
But the haves and the have-nots will not be affected
After all they have been exposed to all extreme conditions
They have developed resilience
All because they are living on the edge

I Wanna Die

I want to die but I don’t want to commit suicide or homicide. I also don’t want to die. I am not confused if you are tempted to think so. I am neither psychotic. I am not living in denial either. I don’t have any of the psychiatric conditions. Yes. Bipolar disorder where there is a phase of mania and sometimes a phase of depression. You see! I know what that means so I cannot be having it. I also don’t have schizophrenia whatever that means.

I have thought about it for long. I know maybe you are asking yourself why I am putting this down. It is my way of relieving steam inside me. How else would I keep my blog active? It will also help diffuse theories that may come up after I have gone. I am ruling out all the possibilities that you will think of.

My relationship is good. I don’t have a problem with social life. Mmmh, academically I am not badly off. The only problem is people thinking that I am brighter than I am. In future I will be bright. That is good, right? Financially, I don’t sleep hungry and I can afford to buy a handkerchief. I live in a good place without micro-comrades (bedbugs). The landlady has never come to my doorstep to ask for rent or threatened to send me away. Not that I pay on time but because she knows I’ll ultimately pay. There is seemingly no problem.

So what is wrong with me? Of course I wouldn’t answer directly. I put it down in coded poems. My readers sometimes think I am writing of far-fetched stuff. It is true, who can tell when it is about me and when it is implausible? That is the beauty of being a poet.

Life is good and death is the inverse. Death as they say is not part of life. It is the negation of it. I am not giving up. I am neither giving in. Let’s just say I am tired, at least not with life. It is too early to get confused on what I am writing about but if you do, don’t worry, it is my aim to confuse you.

I know you will praise me for the little good that I have done. You will never mention the bad that I did. At best that is called Last Respect. It will make many to know my home who would otherwise not known. If I write poor English then don’t forget my aim; to confuse you the more. You will form committee, the known one is the funeral committee which will sit and plan for everything. My mum would be crying, she would not want to be consoled. I don’t know how my dad will react but all the same all will be hurt and grieved.

My classmates would come together and contribute a little “sendoff” money for the family to use. Some who have called me their mentors will be confused. I cannot tell their reactions. One, Nyangaresi will be perturbed, flabbergasted and other adjectives you can add. He only knows me to be an internet maniac. I have not known anyone killed by the internet so you would be straying if you think along that line.

I am thinking of taking insecticides but I stop short when I remember it is of the class organophosphates. I have once presented to my classmates on that topic and I am telling you the symptoms and the sequel is not good. The outcome may not be bad but I am thinking of doing it at night. That means by morning the prognosis will be poor if I wake up to find myself still alive. That should tell you that I fear death or rather I fear the outcome.

In the past I have written poems. Thanks be to God I know how to encrypt messages. Even if injecting one word that bears the whole message and even swapping the gender. Thinking is painful and so I am not worried you will decrypt the messages. What I am certain of is that you will want to know if I left any message behind. I am actually leaving this long note or is it a letter? I don’t know or just call it “While You Were Away” message.

If I write that life is meaningless, I will be lying. Writing that all is vanity makes it sound better. At least you know the reference thereof. If you live with fear then life is meaningless. That qualifies the first statement to be true. I can justify any of the statements. If after all struggles in life one ends in the grave, what is the need of living to begin with? Some go through pain, crushing process, starving, extreme sacrifices and agony. The end of it all? Grave. There is one thing that without it all is meaningless. HOPE is the word. To qualify it the more, I will call it a Blessed Hope. Life sucks without Christ. Life can end in the grave or the grave can be a stopover to eternal life.

I am drifting away from the opening statement. I have promised am not gonna do it but oh no the urge is irresistible. The feeling is intense and sweet. I am addicted. Today and tomorrow I am on my knees about it. The other day I am on it again.

Indeed there is a raging war. I wish it were of flesh and blood, probably I would triumph. I have two swords but I cannot hold them after doing it. It is like it is not helping me. I know the full armour but the enemy attacks imperceptibly and at my weakest points. I think the Holy Spirit has been withdrawn from me. I don’t feel guilty anymore. If I felt guilty and go on doing it, will it help? No!

I want to die, yes to self. I wish I would die now. I will not love my life unto death. You know what that means? The Bible talks of people who loved not their lives unto the death. I wish He would take my life (and let it be). I don’t want to take it myself or have it. I don’t have a right for the former and I am not a good steward for the latter.

Why are you worried? I don’t want to die. So forget everything and go back to your work. Thanks for stopping by to read this.

Preface of the Next Book

Preface of the book “I’m Tired of Mediocre and Other Stories” by Gideon Mutai

Mediocrity is climbing molehills without sweating so says the Icelandic Proverb. What does that mean? It suggests two faces of mediocrity: first, spending a great deal of time and vast effort on things that really don’t matter…and second, spending minimal time and half-hearted effort on things that do.
If you find yourself doing something efficiently which should not be done at all, no word can best describe that except mediocrity. If you are pursuing perfection in things that don’t really matter while neglecting the things that really do, I would not call you a better name. Mediocre does well. We have half-baked people in the society, good-for-nothing I may say, who are not best at anything. They know little of everything and cannot confidently do something worth doing. It is not their mistake; they are drinking from the cup of mediocrity. If you cannot put concerted efforts on what you are planning to do, why begin it anyway?

Why do you want to settle for the average when best beckons?  Why do you want to run hundred meters when you can do a thousand meters? Mediocrity kills talent and contracts energy. What do I mean? A gentleman goes to the gymnasium and always keep on lifting ten pounds weights. The muscles are adapting and longing for bigger weights but the guy is satisfied with the same ten pounds weight. With time, the muscles will get tired beckoning for bigger weights and will give up on him. He will not be able to lift heavier weights unless he breaks up with the average enemy.
Look at the ants, they carry weights, twice their body size. They do more than their body size. Mediocrity is finding satisfaction in that which is less than your potential. It is finding comfort in places of haven and creating utopias to dwell in. Mediocrity is celebrating the average at the expense of the superb and best results. Mediocrity is living “whatever” and “good enough” life. It is taking the path of least resistance and appreciating short-cuts.

The means justifies the end ideology propagates mediocrity. It translates to a statement such as this, “It doesn’t really matter what you do provided it makes you happy and gives you the results.” Excellence doesn’t harbor questionable and universally unapproved means of acquiring success. Unfulfilled dreams stems from early mediocrity in life. Unsatisfied life can also be associated with the same.
Why do you want to cuddle and huddle and even dine with the ordinary when you can have excellent to walk with? Don’t worry if you have been leading a mediocre life as the antidote is in this book. I invite you to read it passionately and meditatively and start living the excellent YOU that for years has been lying in waste.
The Author 

Another coin

By Gideon Mutai

Down the road I was walking
Not in my usual fast pace
It made it possible for her to stop me
She was beautiful indeed I noticed
And as a gentleman I couldn’t ignore

Her hair though was unkempt
And dress thorn at the hem
A large patch of cloth sewn
Different from the original top
Hid her dangling assets
Along the handles of love

She gathered courage to ask for a coin
“Give mama a coin woiyee”
Chipped in a little toddler on her back
With milk of human kindness,
And fished out the only forty shilling coin
That was guarding my pocket
Dropped it in the large silver bowl

“Another coin” asked the lady
“This is not enough with the VAT thing”
She went on.
That sent me aback
She had no obvious deformity
Her radiating smile had attracted me
“Another coin” pained me
I was parting with the only coin
But she still wanted more
“Another coin” took the place of “thank you”

Since I can’t help helping others,
I swore from then on
To be carrying several smaller value coins
All for charity

I don’t care

By Gideon Mutai

I don’t care
You may be wondering why
‘cause I don’t care
Unless you think I am awesome
In which case you are right

I stopped caring about anything
Think of me what you want to
Talk of me what behooves you
But remember one thing
In all, I don’t care

I serve a Mighty God
And I cannot stoop so low
To a fellow human being
To get what I want or desire
I only care of what God desires of me

I don’t care if I pass or fail
It doesn’t define my destiny
Nor portray who exactly I am
Exams has not been a good standard
And that is why I don’t care

I don’t care if I die
Since death is not part of life
But negation of life
I only care what happens thereafter
Will I wake up to eternity or condemnation?

My Favorite Verses

This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all
acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the
world to save sinners; of whom I am chief.
1 Timothy 1:15

As for me, I said: “O LORD, have mercy on
me! Heal me, for I have sinned against you!
Psalms 41:4

And God shall wipe away all tears from their
eyes; and there shall be no more death,
neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there
be any more pain: for the former things are
passed away.
Revelation 21:4

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not
dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen
thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold
thee with the right hand of my
Isaiah 41:10

One thing have I desired of the LORD, that
will I seek after; that I may dwell in the
house of the LORD all the days of my life, to
behold the beauty of the LORD, and to
inquire in his temple.
Psalms 27:4