Dear Money

Extract from MULI Comedy Series Book 3 by Gideon Mutai
Characters

MULI: Son of Mr & Mrs BABU BORA, Money Lover

BABU BORA : MULI’s father

MARIAMU: MULI’s mother

BRAYO: Friend to MULI at the Rivera Institute of Science and Technology (RIST)

KEVO: Friend to MULI at RIST and serves as the Class Representative

SAGINI: Principal at RIST, Uncle to MULI
Act One

(BABU BORA’s sitting room. MARIAMU is seated directly across her husband even though both are watching TV. At the table are piled computer science books. Seemingly, MARIAMU is in deep thoughts.)

MARIAMU (Clearing her throat): Baba MULI, there is this one thing that has been disturbing me for a while now. Actually it has been eating me. 

BABU BORA (Aghast): I saw this coming from the way you have been watching. I knew something was cooking. So you thought it wise to burden me with your problems again eh? Is it about the latest dress in fashion that you don’t have? Is it about the hair that you want to make? Or is it about the Dorcas’ meeting you have always wanted to hold in my house? (Pause) What is it? Tell me but remember if it affects your mood and appetite and sleep then psychiatrist is the best person to pay a visit to. If perchance it has to do with your soul, then we have the clergy for that work. 

MARIAMU (Furiously): Stop! What is the ranting for? Am I not your lawfully wedded wife? It does affect us both. It is about your seed MULI. 

BABU BORA (Laughing hysterically): Ha ha ha. What about MULI? He is the best of my ammunitions I had. I am proud of him and to be frank, I have not seen anything wrong with him. Are you worried about the beard he has started growing? It’s normal for boys of his age. 

MARIAMU: That’s the problem with you. Do you ever listen to anyone or just busy bursting asking and answering yourself? I thought you overcame that unbecoming behaviour. I wonder how you managed to convince people to endorse you as the Member of County Assembly for Huruma Ward. Or maybe it was sympathy votes that put you in that place after losing your property to wild fire? (Pause)

By the way, you never convinced me enough to be your wife and I’ll be releasing an official statement on the coming days about my next step. 

BABU BORA (Chuckling): Then why did you marry me? (To himself) I thank the incumbent president for the accommodative constitution. I think I should be talking to Jane the cashier about my intentions to integrate her into the family empire. 

MARIAMU (Clicks): Nkt! Do you think I don’t know of the best weapon against you? Prayer works miracles. I’ll pray against your relationship. (Pause) We need to drop that topic. We need to talk about MULI. Have you realized how he has changed abruptly?

BABU BORA: Talking of weapons eh? The good book says no weapon formed against me shall prosper. Can I get an Amen?

MARIAMU (Sobbing and disgusted): BABU BORA…

BABU BORA: Yes, my name. Let’s talk about my strength. He has changed quite in a number of ways. I have keenly noted this deep voice he has developed. The chest and the shoulders have broaden meaning he can now give one a shoulder to lean on. I’ll be careful not to forget the obvious six pack. He is now a man. In a scale of one-to-five one being poor and five excellent, how can you rate my assessment? 

MARIAMU (Snapping): I would give you one since Joho was your classmate. I know of what you have been laboring to describe but I am talking of something different. I am talking about his obsession with money. He can’t live without money. He keeps pilfering from my slim malnourished purse. And you are to blame.

BABU BORA: Don’t blame him because I also don’t blame him. Which school taught you that money is not everything? You being here is a testimony that money is everything. Money speaks for when you lack words just like music do. Let me teach you something: if you want someone to do something for you with zeal and alacrity, mark my words, then give them oil of life. I can talk and talk about the goodness of money even more than of Jameson because without the former, I cannot get the latter. 

MARIAMU (Sarcastically): Do money really speak or your folly through extravagance of the same. And don’t think your patchy English vocabulary can intimidate me. 

BABU BORA: An example will drive my point home. Look at this scenario MARIAMU. When I was about to lead to the altar, we were many candidates all round about you. I was beaten during the primaries but you know what? I borrowed from Strategic Planning and Management class plus Crisis Management topics. I won your heart because I had the sinews of war. If you cannot relate to this, then a thousand examples will not suffice. 

MARIAMU (Nodding her head unapprovingly): I see you are not grown yet. I gave you the benefit of doubt that you could change but I’ll tell you today. Yes, I’ll tell you on your face that you are like young boys. I’ll excuse them because of their age. What will I say of someone now living in their sunset years? Fifty-seven years is not short a time. You are doing exactly the opposite of what nature dictates. As people age, more often than not they tend to become wiser but your unique case calls for a case study and presentation in a conference on Dementia perhaps. 

BABU BORA (Hesitantly): Eer…you will help me here. Was it Jesus or Mathew who said that you have to be like children in order to inherit the Kingdom of the Great? You now know why I am doing all these. I want to get to Canaan, the land of milk and honey. 
NB: Will continue with the play shortly. This is not the whole Act one

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Gifted

Three days after the Christmas of 1995. A big bouncing baby boy is born at term normally. The knowledge of having a brother excites me. But no sooner had I seen him than I retreated. He has a clipped cord and I don’t like it. He is not looking like me in all aspects. Or let’s say I don’t remember my cord.
“Mum, why is he not looking like me. What is this here?” I inquired pointing at the cord. “It will wear off and be like yours with time.” She responded. That quelled my incessant queries for a while.   

Being a reader of the word and having lead in the Sunday School and also served as a youth leader, dad knew some Bible characters. He picks one for my bro, Laban.

Laban is growing so fast and before long, I feel like I am going to be outdone. Mum goes to the clinic on a monthly basis. This is to enable my bro receive vaccines and assess his growth. For the record, his weight was within the normal limits when he was born (between 2.5 and 4.0 kilograms.) 

This is the third month and nurses at Kericho Maternal and Child Health (MCH) have every reason to worry. Not that my bro is malnourished. Far from that, he is gaining so much weight and they are wondering how comes in only three months, the graph is rising exponentially outside the normal range. Soon they would not have a place to plot the values if this goes on. And indeed they have to write outside the margins.

Quickly, nurses around summons mum in a room not to congratulate her but to scold, threaten and even rebuke. 

“Woman, it is not that we don’t know how to feed our children with Cerelac.”  One of the nurses begins. Mum thinks anyone in white coat is a doctor. “Why do you feed your child so much? Eh?” the impromptu interview goes on. 

Mum is lost for words. She has hard time pronouncing Cerelac let alone afford it. She is wondering how these ‘doctors’ are taking her. “What do you feed your child with?” Another one prods. 

With a stutter, she replies, “I feed him with Uji ya mahindi (Maize porridge) and sometimes mix with millet. There is nothing else I give to him except for breastfeeding.” 

They are not satisfied but leaves her to go but with stern warning to reduce the frequency of feeding and stop Cerelac. 

Looking at his graph, only two dots are within the normal range; when he was born and after the first month. He never comes back to the normal range. At twelve months, he is as heavy as a normal child in the age bracket of 2–3 years according to the WHO standards in the clinic card. 

He is abnormal you can say and I agree with you. He has never been normal. 

At the age of four years, he joins nursery school in a nearby primary school. He is well built. Other kids occasionally make fun of him but one thing I take pride in is that he beats them all. His size is intimidating. He simply can defend himself. If he decides to sit on you then it will take the hand of a number of accredited observers to take him off. 

I wish I was that big too. I would beat all of my friends who laughed at me for bedwetting. 

It will be an injustice not to mention at this point that bro eats commensurate to his body. He is an ardent observer of unorthodox adage Mwili haijengwi na mawe. He agrees with River road wahenga who said Jenga mwili haribu jina. 

Paraphernalia fills his shorts’ pockets. While others carry handkerchiefs and rubber or pencil and what have you in their pockets, he is carrying nuts, heavy bolts and the like. Mum is pricked severally while washing his school uniform. As an occupational risk protection, she has learnt to check his pockets. She does complete evacuation characterised by soft fluffy pockets. No amount of warning can deter bro from carrying more of such. At some point, his pockets are torn by pins and assorted items. You wonder what he wants to do with all these. I also wonder.  

Sick patients visit a doctor but Laban pays a visit to any sick appliance, be it radio, TV, watch, phone etc. I don’t know how he comforts them if he ever does but what I am certain of is that there is a 50% mortality rate. Those who survive the ordeal bears life scars out of unprecedented suturing.  He takes time to learn what each device contains and how it works. Maybe he is on a mission to unearth the radio presenters he has been hearing only to be disappointed. 

This has been going on for long. He has a collection of broken pieces of anything electrical. In class eight, he surprised us by resuscitating a Motorola C113. After about 10 minutes, it was working again. I guess that is the first miracle he performed. 

He sits for class eight exams and doesn’t perform well. He has to repeat after which he passed enough to join a provincial school. He performs averagely like all the average students. Many are the times I encourage him to work hard but seemingly he is doing hard work. 

For a long time, we didn’t have electricity at home and it took concerted efforts to push my parents to the wall that they did all they could for us to be like our neighbours.  I know if they were in a position to they would have gotten it long ago.

This is the time when bro is in form two. He is taking physics as a subject but has done nothing close to electricity. At this point in time, I am in second year at the World Class University, Egerton.  KPLC team has connected for us electricity and wiring is for us to do. This means digging deeper into our pockets and get an electrician. 

Surprise! Laban offers to do the wiring. He is confident and claims he knows what he is doing. For safety, we switch off power from the mains. With my knowledge in medicine combined with 4 years of physics in high school, I watch as bro teach me how connections are made. He is younger than me but I want to have little faith in him. If he could resurrect a phone before, maybe he is out to do another miracle. He makes his connections and before long he is done and for sure it is working.

That begs the question. “Do you do electricity in school?” I asked. “No, I don’t do electricity. I only do Physics.” He responds with a smile. I went on, “But they don’t teach enough electricity in high school physics let alone in form two.” The next response makes me remove my hat, “This is general knowledge.” He said. 

He struggles in school. At some point he is expelled not for setting up fire or leading a strike but because of his faith. He goes to form 3 in another school where he finishes his schooling. He got average marks to enable him join a college. This saw him join Rift Valley Institute of Science and Technology, Nakuru. 

Just one year in school and he wakes up this morning to make an audio amplifier from scratch. I asked him several questions to which he denies being taught in school how to make one. This made me know this about him also which I didn’t know. He knows how to ride a car (He confesses having done it before and remember he has not gone to any driving school). He says it is so easy but for me, I’ll be a student of Leopard Driving School come December. 

What am I saying? Everyone has a talent. You can say my talent is writing since I wrote this story. You can almost always tell what a child interest(s) is/are. Most of the time talents are killed because we don’t approve what children are doing. Probably if nurtured and supported they would come up with better ways of solving today’s problems. 

Laban was abnormally big and loved carrying weird fixings but today I understand that that is where his passion has been. FYI, he has reduced weighed significantly and his BMI is within normal but looks bigger than me. While I look cachectic (blame it on medicine), he looks well fed. 

What I have learnt from him is that you can make two mechanical motors of 12V that will produce DC which you can convert to AC and the step up even up to 2KV. That is his next project. Don’t ask me questions on this because I also didn’t understand. I am waiting for the final thing. 

The bottom line is, parents (and aspiring ones), encourage your children and help them pursue their passions. That is how best they can use their potentials. Not all can be doctors. Not all can be lawyers, architectures…name them. 

(c) Ronedion 

Simple Audio Amplifier 📢 

My Love Journey

​My Love Journey 

(c) Ronedion

Very few people talk about their relationships. I am in that very group but it is not until today that I was triggered to talk about it. I might never know the inspiration someone might draw from my story or learn from my flaws. For the record, I am not that kind of person who suddenly turns philosophical after breakup; I just chew the bitter break-up pill.
I had visited almost every office with my form four results slip showing straight As in the fundamental subjects. Little did I know that is not what the employers look for. They look for experience and professionalism. Sad to say I had none of the two. In any case, it was the reason I was turned down in more than 30 times places I visited. To cut the short story long (actually it is the other way round), I finally made a call to a certain school in Kapsabet. That is the place I met with Sandra (pseudonym) in the year 2010.
Ours has been a long journey of ups and downs, rains and drought, fights and reconciliation, love and hatred. The relationship has been peppered with flats and bumps but more of bumps. Each has been thinking secretly that we have been taking each other for a ride. But that is when a wrote the first poem to her, a poem of dumping her, the better option. I fell for what seemingly was the best option. Sandra and I somehow managed to chat and meet occasionally. I couldn’t do away with her completely. 
Don’t judge me (actually you can the way you want) when I say I had another girlfriend before that. I know it was just after form four but that is when I had all the time in the world and was allowed to have one. The first relationship was short-lived. I didn’t get the approval of many to go on with her plus the fact that she was from the village and didn’t want to upgrade herself to the latest fashion. I hope you get what I mean. I would be embarrassed in bed when she would lose network and only regain but transiently when I would take her out to major cities.  She would keep me waiting for long hours when I had a date with her. What I only loved about her is that she wasn’t pocket-draining economically. Maybe it was her gimmick for me to continue keeping her. Truth be told, I wasn’t proud of her. 
Sandra to the opposite was a gold digger (sorry for the term). She would entice me to keep subscribing to her love. Weird, right? I must confess that she was so expensive to maintain. I would labour to maintain my connection with her. Many have been in abusive relationships. I am not an exception. When I couldn’t sustain the relationship that was worsened by her stealing (taking without permission but later returned), I decided to ditch her. Don’t ask me if I moved on or cried myself out.
For straight seven years, I have been in and out of the relationship with her. It is true that at times she gives me goodies and who doesn’t enjoy? That has been attracting me to her. I love how she dresses in green and flaunts her assets. She is a digital 21st century damsel and even though I love technology, she is far ahead of me. I normally wait for anniversaries to enjoy the goodies (I mean goodies). I am a man remember. She pulls surprises on me. When I think I have pulled one on her, I get disappointed but still appreciates my little input. 
My parents know her and many of my friends have approved her. (You should be knowing her). At one point in time, I went away from home and decided to hook up with another one without telling my parents. It almost caused dissension. They looked for me everywhere. They called her but she was “mteja”. They were about to visit a local radio station to announce for a lost boy/man (Use them interchangeably). My sister only knew where I was but I had cautioned her not to mention. 
This is 2017 and still counting. She recently lightened my heart. Don’t ask me how but if you think in terms of goodies, you won’t be wrong. Anyway you are allowed to have your own opinions. She has enabled me to visit places unknown. Has enabled me to get connected with my friends and is in the process of giving me economic freedom (only if the project she is sponsoring will last). She knows what I love most. Who in their right mind will abandon such a girlfriend? But if she drives me crazy, I may abandon before I lose my mind. Sandara my neighbour who changed her name recently to Tele has been dressing seductively and visits me regularly to borrow “Short Practice of Surgery 26th Ed by Baile and Love” yet she knows that I don’t have it. She opens up to me and wants to divert my attention, commitment and love for Sandra. 
I pray that my relationship last now that I decided to speak up about it. She is slightly older than me but they say age is just but a number. If you asked me my sincere opinion, I would tell you that I believe in miracles and I believe that the beautiful ones are not yet born. I am not insinuating anything. If I were, you would know. 
I have been pulling your leg. This is my relationship with Safaricom. Read it again with that in mind. 

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The Juicy Relationship Constitution, 2016

TJRC 2016

PREAMBLE

We, the beneficiaries of this relationship, in order to promote love, trust and faithfulness in our relationship, do adopt and ordain this constitution to govern our relationship as long as it lasts.

SOVEREIGNITY OF THE MEMBERS AND THE SUPREMACY OF THIS CONSTITUTION

This is the relationship constitution that enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Gideon Kiprono here and after known as the “boyfriend” and Joy Cherono, here and after known as “the girlfriend”. 

This constitution is the supreme law governing our relationship now henceforth and therefore no member shall be above the provisions provided for in this document.

Mafisi laws or any other international laws will not form part of this constitution. 

ARTICLE I: NAME

The name of this association shall be THE JUICY RELATIONSHIP CONSTITUTION, hereafter referred to as TJRC. This association will use the name or its acronym TJRC in all publicity materials and correspondence.

ARTICLE II: DEFINITION

TJRC is composed of two people only (Kiprono and Cherono) who without coercion decided to be friends for life following their striking intellectual prowess atop interests. TJRC shall be guided by this constitution at all times.
ARTICLE III: COMMUNICATION

Communication is paramount for success of any relationship and this is how it will be done. 

Loading dose of hello in the morning and maintenance dose of nice lunch and goodnight. 

Little or no communication with the ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend.

No whatsapp, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and other social media when we are together. It is our time.

Respond to emails promptly, Instagram tags or facebook pokes, twitter mentions.

Whatsapp messages should be replied immediately as soon as blue ticks effect are seen or better 
ARTICLE IV: PUBLIC RELATIONS

Kissing

Public display of affections is prohibited and so to kissing by all means.

Unintended kissing should only be when resuscitating the partner in absence of ambubag. Mouth-to-mouth will be the best.

Although little risk is documented to accrue from passionate kissing, we will be cognizant of the fact that cold, glandular fever and even herpes infection can be spread through kissing.  
Hugging

The privilege of hugging is accorded to the boyfriend or girlfriend under the following: –

They are undergoing post exams stress disorder or trauma of similar magnitude and needs a shoulder to lean on. 

If we should publicly hug, then the short acting version is applied and differentiated from ultra-short version given for general friends. 

Extended release version only happens when one wins a Nobel Prize or any other achievement of comparable weight.

No hugging of rivals and relationship enemies to any of the partners and more so in the presence of the counterpart. 

ARTICLE V: GIFTS OR PRESENTS AND SURPRISES

Gifts build relationship as opposed to surprises which causes anxiety and subsequent tachycardia.

Negative surprises like failing in exams, ex calling to ask for consideration and the like is highly discouraged.

Positive surprises that have probability of ≥ 20% can be practiced for mutually exclusive events.  

Gifts and surprises should never be confused as the latter is an event or piece of news etc. that is unexpected. 

ARTICLE VI: VISITATIONS

Impromptu visitations are uncalled for to avoid embarrassment in this era of technology. Twitter mention or WhatsApp heads-up, call or text message can suffice. 

Agenda of the visit should be communicated earlier and each to have a copy. Review of the previous minutes and countersigning should happen unless the meeting occurs in an unplanned for place and no soft copy of the same exists. 

Unavailable notice is placed at the door to bar friends and custodian if it applies from interrupting the meeting.
ARTICLE VII: BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARY AND SPECIAL DAYS

Birthdays are treated as important days of reviewing resolutions and making new for a better life. Gifts can be expended liberally then to cheer the partner. 

Valentine is a waste of day and resources. In any case, Valentine is dead. 

Any other special days can come with or without gifts. 

ARTICLE VIII: INTERCOURSE

The best and accepted regular intercourse we should have is the intellectual variant. 

In the unlikely event that one ovary has been removed and the other is at stake and coitus should be practiced, it should be without delay and warning. The acceptable family planning method is coitus interruptus apart from what family doctor will prescribe on medical grounds.

Coitus once practiced triggers Responsibility for Life button. 
ARTICLE IX: DISSOLUTION OF THE RELATIONSHIP

The relationship shall only be called to an end under the following circumstances: –

Any partner feels burdened of which should submit substantial evidence to support the same.

Any member is found unfaithful: random hugging of known team Mafisi Sacco members unless they are their brothers or sisters (not in Christ)

A 6 months’ notice in writing stating the reasons for terminating the relationship should be supplied and counterchecked by a trustworthy person-clergy.
ARTICLE X: AFFILIATION

Shall not be affiliated to any party, organization, club, institution or group; for that matter Mafisi Team Sacco. The association will matchless to the universe as the partners are. 
CONCLUSION 

The Juicy Relationship Constitution will aid in ways unkown unforeseen disagreements, mood swings and somehow premenstrual syndrome. It will prevent the association from rampant ravenous mafisi members. It is necessary for it protects our finances from unnecessary gifts and surprises. Chief of all, it fosters love, harmony and faithfulness. 

Inspired to Sire

​Inspired to Sire

by Gideon Mutai
The other day I was inspired to sire
This is what transpired: 
A robust classmate worked hard
And that makes us all glad
Not only in the field of betting,
But also in the field of getting
He got a bouncing baby boy

Oh, what a great joy!
He has already bought him a toy
And a house help ready to employ
Much about him and the next king of betting
Unlike him I am slim but my eyesight not dim

I am going to sire, yes, it is my desire
If need be I’ll also hire a house help
Not unless she will conspire against me
And my young home gets on fire
I will talk to my supplier to come with brier
And attire for the wedding day choir
I’ll also require a flyer to invite all
Since I am renowned high-flyer

Did I say I am tired of carrying them kids?
Since adolescence all through now
They are beckoning to be released
Can’t withstand the ever changing temperatures
Being escalated up and down intermittently
Enclosed in a small cage with no turnover
Their location is nondescript

What am I saying?
I am inspired to sire

Anti-Exam Fever Vaccine

By Gideon Mutai

All preparations were in place that day
Except for parasitic fear which wasn’t at bay
She sluggishly trudged to the exam room
As they prayed and wished her the best of luck
Hesitantly, she waved back and went in

 

Papers were issued out to everyone
You can bet the colour had not changed from the usual
“You have two hours to attempt all the questions.”
Roared the no-nonsense exam invigilator
The parasite forgot the symbiotic relationship with her
He breached the contract and started devouring her

 

As the invigilator paced up and down the room.
FEAR relished on that little activity
Small beads of sweat started forming on her brow
Her eyes were swelling progressively
She suddenly busted into tears as she turned over the first page
The bladder seemingly enjoyed the ordeal
How it suddenly got filled up I cannot tell
It also gave way following his accomplice

 

Who would have known she was expectant
If not for the end of year exams?
We saw a little bouncing baby lying on the floor
And dangling from her pelvic region a cord
Exams had to be interrupted
‘Twas not in vain anyway
As my colleagues found it opportune to consult
While few assisted in carrying her way

 

The reports later came
That the doctor diagnosed her with exam fever
That precipitated all the events
And she was given anti-exam fever vaccine IV BD X 4/12
The baby was just a result of injurious exam fever
Which has since time immemorial been pandemic
I was left wondering if he was a real doctor or just another quack

 

Either way, I also want anti-exam fever too but dread the pain
Yes, the pain of daily injections for four months every year
Can’t it be made to be easily swallow able?
Or coated with chocolate?

 

What did you say are the side effects of the vaccine?
Bosom friendship with books in and out season
But how about my allergy for books?
It runs in our family
The mother of my grandfather to the uncle of my niece had the same problem.
He used not to pass well in school
It has manifested in me again
But just give me the vaccine, I will deal with the consequences later.

 
*IV–Intravenously
*BD–Twice a day